To Forgive or Not To Forgive?
What is Forgiveness?
The topic of forgiveness has cropping up frequently in many conversations this week: women's workshops, individual or couple therapy sessions, and casual conversations. What is forgiveness anyway? At first, forgiveness seems like a simple and straightforward concept. But on second thought, it is not easy to understand, and it's even harder to practice. We are all in the same boat: we will all offend and be offended during this life and will struggle to seek and offer forgiveness.Forgiveness is an evolving concept. As a child it meant that when a friend apologized and said, "sorry for taking your toy" that I should continue to play with them. During adolescence, forgiveness meant being nice and pretending that I wasn't resentful, angry, or hurt. At this point in my life I find the most helpful definition of forgiveness is to give up resentment or to cease to feel resentment (thank you Websters). I love this definition because it helps clarify 2 stages of the forgiveness process:1) feeling resentment2) ceasing to feel resentmentIt's tempting to try and skip the first step - "the feeling part" - and jump to the "cease to feel" step. A lot of the forgiveness work that I help clients with in therapy is allowing the FEELINGS to be experienced. You can't give up something that you don't have.
Common Questions on Forgiveness
Does forgiveness always involve forgetting?No. I can't think of one instance of deep hurt in my own life where I have forgotten the event. Forgiveness is about letting go of the emotional charge of the event, not the memory of it.
Does forgiving someone mean that you have to continue a relationship with the person you have forgiven?No. It is possible to cease to feel resentment toward another and still choose to not have a relationship with him or her for various reasons ranging from personal preference to protecting self or family from serious harm.
Does forgiving a person eliminate the impact of their offense?No. In the case of childhood abuse, I have often heard families throughout my years of therapy practice use the concept of forgiveness to silence the abused family member and prevent them from expressing the negative emotions about the impact of their abuse. "He's been forgiven. Why do you have to keep bringing it up? It was so long ago. Forgiveness does not eliminate the long term consequences of abuse for the victim.
Forgiveness is a Personal Process
My own experiences with forgiveness has taught me that to forgive is usually a process rather than an event, that it is a process of working through hurt and pain, and that it is ultimately a gift to ourselves. It is the gift of emotional and spiritual freedom by no longer allowing someone's behavior, words, or attitudes to smother our growth. I've heard it said that lack of forgiveness and holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.The following lyrics were born out of my wrestle with the forgiveness process
Out of Jail (lyrics by Julie de Azevedo)
It's time I let you out of jailIn my mind in my mindIt's time I let you out of jailYou may not know itBut you've done timeYou've done timeI'm tired of leaning against this doorAnd screaming all the things that you're in forI'm tired of holding shut the gateMy hands are worn and I can't escapeIt's time I let you out of jailIn my chest in my chestBound in angry iron chainsIt's high time I took a breathAnd got some restI'm tired of seeing the world through barsI'm tired of being a prison guardWearing armor and wielding swordsI'm calling truce on this one way warIt's time I let you out of jailSo I speak so I speakForgive meIt's time I let you out of jailIn my mind in my mindIt's time I let you out of jailYou may not know itBut we've done timeDownload "Out Of Jail" in iTunes