How do I validate myself in my struggles with secondary infertility? Ask Dr. Julie Hanks

In this episode, I talk with Moriah and answer the question “How do I validate myself in my struggles with secondary infertility?” Moriah has two children from a previous relationship, but she and her husband of four years have been unable to have a child of their own. She is in a unique position where she belongs to the infertility community but feels guilty for struggling with that heartache when she already has two children.

Moriah wants to have a biological child with her husband. That is a legitimate desire. I ask her if she can hold the fact that she has two children who she loves deeply and that she is sad she hasn’t been able to have another child with her husband. Wanting another child does not mean she is less grateful for her children; it means she has an unmet hope that she has to grieve.

Here’s a sneak peek of what you’ll hear when you listen to this episode:

“You're using your boys to negate your feeling of loss [for not being able to have a child with your current husband]. You can adore and love your boys and grieve the loss that you haven't been able to have a child with your current husband. Those can exist together. One does not have to negate the other. I think you're using the fact that you already have kids as a reason that you shouldn't grieve.

Give yourself permission and use and. You have two beautiful boys, and you are heartbroken about not having a child with your current partner. Those can both exist. Let yourself be sad and grieve the expectation. It's okay to feel those emotions. It doesn't mean you're not grateful. It doesn't mean you don't love your boys. It doesn't mean anything about them.”

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