Tips to Stop Arguing About Chores at Home
Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash
Have you ever wondered how to stop arguing over chores at home or how to stop fighting about chores? You are not alone. Partnership in the home happens when the unpaid labor is divided equally. It is unfair for one partner to work only 8 hours a day and the other to work 24/7.
How to Stop Arguing Over Chores At Home
In my recent Good Morning Utah segment, I shared tips for how to stop arguing over chores at home. Couples often fight about housework, but they don’t have to. Here are my suggestions, which I hope will help you create more partnership at home and stop fighting over chores.
Keep the Conversation Continual
“How do I get my partner to take on more responsibility for home and family responsibilities?”
It’s all about continual conversation. What I’ve found is that women are the ones bringing it up because women are the ones in pain. Society expects women to be the ones who take the lead in unpaid work at home.
“How do I talk to my partner about sharing the load at home without one of us getting defensive?”
Have a conversation and say, “This isn’t working. How we’ve divided up the chores at home is not working for me anymore and this is what I would like to have happen. What would you like to take on as your responsibility?”
“How do I respond when my partner says, ‘Just tell me what needs to be done?’”
This goes back to continual conversation. What needs to be done should be clearly defined so your partner or child knows what is expected without needing to ask. Sharing the mental load of responsibilities is important, too.
“How do we have this conversation in a way that no one gets offended?”
Ask for what you want clearly and share what you want it to look like. For example, “I’m going to make dinner and you are in charge of dishes. Deal?” Then don’t mention it again and let it be the expectation. Discuss who is taking which responsibility from beginning to end so tracking it doesn’t fall on one person.
“How do I approach a situation when they don’t hold their end of the deal?”
Share the impact with them. Say, “You said that you would do the dishes. You haven’t done them the last two nights. When you don’t do what you say you will do, I lose trust in you and I feel taken advantage of because I’m doing what I said I would do.”
What is the Mental Load or Mental Labor
Mental labor is invisible. It’s the tracking of what needs to be done. Some examples of the mental load are keeping track of:
Who the kids’ teachers are
What wedding gifts need to be purchased
What needs to be completed for the birthday party
When everyone’s appointments are
There are three aspects to each job: conception, planning, and execution. Asking, “Tell me what to do,” just involves execution. That requires one person always to do conception and planning or 2 out of 3 tasks for each job.
It may be helpful to sit down together, write out everything that needs to be done, and divide it so that it’s equal. It’s unfair for women to work full-time, paid or unpaid, and also be in charge of the entire home.
Click here to watch the full Dr. Julie Hanks Good Morning Utah Interview.
Resources to Help You Stop Arguing About Chores at Home
If you’re ready to create more partnership at home and stop arguing about chores, here are some helpful resources.
Improve your marriage and family with the Partnership Model of Family Organization Workbook.
Learn how to create a partnership family in my course, “Creating Partnership Families.”
The Fair Play book and Card Game from Eve Rodsky is always on my recommended resources list.
Join my group coaching community. Each month we discuss a topic designed to help you step into your power, reignite your passions, and create more partnership in your home.
