Motherhood is a Relationship™️ - The Costs of Idealizing Motherhood | TEDx Workshop + Journal Prompts
As a mom to four children, I know the difficulties of motherhood firsthand. And in my 30+ years as a therapist, I have noticed that women often express feelings of inadequacy when talking about their motherhood experience. There are pains to motherhood that are unavoidable (like watching your child struggle or get hurt), and then there are the pains mothers feel that are caused by unrealistic expectations.
Mothers everywhere wonder if they’re doing enough, if they’re not working hard enough, or if they’re messing up their kids.
I have experienced these things myself.
Who Am I?
When I was young, I received clear messages that the most important thing a woman could do is create and raise a family. I was told not to seek employment outside of the home unless there were unusual circumstances.
When I looked at this narrow view of motherhood, it didn’t match what I wanted! It didn’t match who I was. I worried that something was wrong with me because I desired more than motherhood. I wanted to be a mother and a singer/songwriter and a therapist. I felt I was fundamentally flawed because I didn’t fit the ideal that was shown to me in my youth. I now call this feeling of being flawed for aspirations outside of home and family “aspirational shame.”
As I learned how to identify my feelings and desires, I realized that I could decide what my adult life would look like and what life I wanted to create.
Since then, I have:
Raised 4 children
Gotten 2 graduate degrees
Toured and recorded as a singer/songwriter
Became a licensed psychotherapist
Opened psychotherapy clinics
Written 2 books
Become a college professor
Become a speaker and consultant
All these things have been possible because my husband and I worked together to create a partnership family where all family members work together to maintain the household and care for and support each other.
Even though I was surrounded by an idealized view of motherhood—to focus on raising a family at the exclusion of other endeavors—I refused to choose. Still, I found that no matter how I balanced my ambitions, external sources told me that I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t living my life the “traditional” way. I’ve had to step back many times and think about the ways religion, culture, and history converge and set expectations for my life as a woman.
Idealize ≠ Value
While working with my therapy clients, I started researching motherhood, shame, and family life and thinking about some of the problems of rigid traditional gender roles and the idealized version of motherhood versus the reality of life with children. While you may not have grown up in a religious tradition like I did, you’ve probably realized that there are a lot of ways we idealize motherhood.
Motherhood is one of the most valuable endeavors there is. But idealizing and valuing are not the same thing. Valuing means to consider something to be significant, while idealizing means to regard something as perfect or better than reality.
Mothers should be acknowledged for the important work they do, but motherhood should not be put on a pedestal.
We are bombarded with messages about what it takes to be an ideal woman. When we accept idealized messages about something that millions of women have experienced in millions of different ways, it reinforces the idea that there is one right way to be a mother: an ideal way.
I am here to tell you that there is no right way to be a mother.
Motherhood Is a Relationship, Not a Role™️
Instead of reducing motherhood to an idea, it’s time to view motherhood as a relationship, not a role. A role is scripted and preplanned. It is a part that you play. A relationships requires you to be your authentic self. It takes into account the complexities of every woman and family.
Instead of buying into unattainable standards of being a good mother, let’s redefine good mothering as the quality of the connection between a mother and a child. What children need most is connection, not a perfect mother.
Women are multi-dimensional human beings who have the potential to excel in every area of life. Motherhood is only one area. We need to stop listening to external sources telling us what it takes to be a good mother. Motherhood is about relationships. Every woman is different, unique and valuable—mother or not. Let women be individuals, not roles.
Motherhood is a Relationship™️ Journal Prompts
As promised, I’m including journal prompts for the topic Motherhood is a Relationship™️. Use these prompts and the video above and treat them as a course on motherhood to help you reframe the way you view it going forward.
Click here to download the Motherhood is a Relationship™️ Journal Prompts.
More Motherhood Help
If you’d like to learn more, check out these resources.
“Rediscovering Yourself While Mothering; Motherhood is a Relationship, Not a Role™️” This course helps women find and support their passions in parenthood.
Motherhood is a Relationship™️ Affirmation Deck. Thirty Affirmations to help you feel more centered, strong, and calm while you face the challenges of motherhood.
Join the Dr. Julie Hanks Group Coaching Membership to explore topics relating to motherhood, partnership marriage, and many other topics LDS and former LDS women face.
