Assertiveness and the Gift of Resentment
I'm very excited to continue this journey of sharing my latest creative project-my new book, "The Assertiveness Guide For Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Relationships."Recently, I sat down with LCSW Mallory Grimste to discuss assertiveness and the book. Our conversation included a phrase that has been very valuable to me for many years-I call it the gift of resentment. This is an idea that I've written about previously, and in writing this book, I found that it took on a whole new level of meaning as it relates to assertiveness.
The Gift of Resentment
At first glance, this phrase may seem a bit disjointed. A gift is something positive, while the word 'resentment' generally has a negative connotation, right? Those things are true....and resentment can still be a gift if used correctly.When we feel physical pain, our body is signaling to us that something is wrong and needs our attention. A headache may mean we need water or sleep, a sunburn means we need to lather up with SPF next time we're at the pool, and excruciating stomach pain may indicate serious problems like appendicitis or food poisoning. The pain isn't something we enjoy, but it is useful in letting us know we need to do something. Resentment can work the same way, but with emotional pain. When we experience resentment, we may feel anger, indignation, or ill will toward someone or something. These are definitely not positive feelings, but just like physical pain, they can be beneficial if they motivate us to act or make a change. My personal experiences with this gift include feeling resentment in my private practice that led to some changes in my career, and, if I'm honest, resentment toward others who are close to me. This feeling let me know that I needed to have an important conversation, set a boundary (or enforce an existing one), or in some other way change something.I want to emphasize that resentment is a gift when it causes us to act, but it can quickly become a curse when it festers or if we hold onto it for too long. Utilize this gift to help you understand what's happening and stand up for yourself, but then afterwards, work to let it go and, if necessary, begin the forgiveness process.So what does the gift of resentment have to do with assertiveness? The second section of the book, "Tune In," relates to how we can know that we need to be assertive. Becoming self-aware and practicing mindfulness, tuning in to our feelings and examining our emotions give us clues as to
whether someone is bothering us. If it is, it's a legitimate problem that needs attention, we then know we have the opportunity to practice assertiveness.Watch my interview with Mallory for more ideas relating to assertiveness and the gift of resentment. Order my book! "The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Life."